Bruxy's Blurbs

I love Jesus. He introduces me to the God of second chances (and seventy times seven chances). Sometimes I have thoughts I'd like to share that aren't directly about Jesus, but hopefully influenced by Jesus. Thoughts about life, about love, and maybe even about the legal system. I'm sharing those more personal updates here.

Not "Not Guilty"

So. My case was dismissed. It was dismissed because of its significant time delay, not because I was found “not guilty”. How am I supposed to think about this? How am I supposed to feel?

I know the facts behind this case. I was there. I know the full extent of both my moral guilt (I had an affair) and my legal innocence (a consensual affair between adults). So, as long as I don’t care about some sort of public vindication (and I don’t) I can be content with this outcome. But what about so many of you who were waiting to hear “not guilty” at the end of a trial? (And others of you who were waiting to hear an opposite verdict.)

First some context.

In the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms, section 7 is called “Life, liberty and security of a person” and it says that these three things – life, liberty, and security – cannot be deprived unless in accordance with the principles of fundamental justice.

This “fundamental justice” includes something discussed in section 11(b), which reads: “Any person charged with an offense has the right to be tried within a reasonable time.” That “reasonable time” was defined by the Supreme Court of Canada as 18 months in provincial courts in a case called Jordan (leading to what is often called the “Jordan Rule” or the "Jordan Ceiling").

Having spent over two years as an accused person with my name in and out of the headlines, I can tell you that there is a unique kind of hell on earth one experiences while waiting for a trial like this. Not to mention what the experience of me being falsely accused has put my family through. I understand now why timeliness in legal matters is one of the hallmarks of a free, democratic, and civilized society.

I was arrested in June of 2022. The trial was initially supposed to happen in January, 2024 (the 18 month limit for our case). When the trial was rescheduled to begin in July, with the end trial dates set for late November, we agreed that it would be appropriate within our legal system to apply for the 11(b) and let the judge decide.

I did not want to be let off “on a technicality”. On the contrary, I wanted all the truth to come out. At the same time, I also knew that a “not guilty” verdict would never settle the matter for many. Some people would continue to believe the worst (or best) about me regardless. Many minds seem already settled, after hearing only one carefully curated narrative.

Beyond talking with my lawyers, I spoke with a number of friends, mentors, and people in the legal profession who helped me understand that the right to a timely trial is a real thing, a valid thing, not a “technicality”. It is the justice system’s way of holding itself accountable and self-correcting so it can do better next time. They helped me see that applying for a dismissal in my case was completely appropriate.

By the numbers, my case was straightforward. Our trial dates were far over the 11(b) limit. Still, the crown prosecutor had the opportunity to argue that my case should be an exception because of unusual circumstances, such as the extraordinary complexity of the case and even a COVID 19 backlog that made scheduling difficult. The judge carefully enumerated every day of delay and did not agree with the crown’s reasons, so he dismissed the case. It is that straightforward.

To be granted an “11(b)” dismissal, it must be clear that the delay was caused by either the court system or the prosecution, but not the defense. This makes sense, otherwise defense attorneys could use various delay tactics to try to secure a dismissal. But our court system is smarter than that and prevents defense attorneys from abusing the system through delay tactics. So, in granting the dismissal, our judge did a meticulous review of the last two years of pre-trial hearings, reviewed arguments in favour and against the exceptionality of this case, and ruled that our defense team was not at fault for the most significant delays.

This should shut down some agenda-driven claims that my fancy lawyer pulled a fast one and manipulated the system to get a dismissal. This kind of talk suggests a peculiar determination to misunderstand and misrepresent our legal system. If someone is making this kind of claim, one might question their motivation that causes them to miss both the forest and the trees.

The timing to hear the judge’s decision was right down to the wire. He was to give his dismissal decision the day the trial was to begin. We went to court that day ready for either way forward.

Before the trial date arrived, I decided to accept whatever the judge might decide about the 11(b) as being a good thing. To proceed with the trial would give me a chance to finally tell at least some of my story, present our evidence, refute inaccuracies people have heard, and hear the words “not guilty” at the end of it all. Stories had been posted online and told to the press that were verifiably untrue, and I was looking forward to the chance to provide the evidence to counter the closely protected narrative that has been promoted to the public.

At the same time, if our judge dismissed the case, I told myself that would also be a good thing, knowing that I could begin a process of emotional and relational healing along with my family.

Because of some posts by individuals and organizations as well as some media coverage, I realize there are some half-truths and other outright falsehoods out there that seem to have now become accepted as facts about me and my past and my character. This feels too big to fight and so, at least for now, I accept that the world “out there” - those who choose to judge from a distance - will never know me. And that’s alright.

I am learning that it is more than enough to be truly known by those who have actually taken the time to journey with me - from therapists, to spiritual directors, to pastors, to family (biological and chosen), to friends old and new.

I have given up on widespread public vindication. So, I was also ready for dismissal, even if I would never get my “day in court” so to speak.

So now that the trial has been dismissed/stayed/11(b)’d, how can I help those of you who were waiting for the court system to tell you what to think about me? What can I say that might be healing for that layer of people who have been withholding judgement believing that at some point our legal system would help you make your mind up about my legal guilt or innocence?

I am truly sorry. I wish I could help. But I’m not sure what to do. I will tell some of my story, respond to questions, and share some of my own perspectives here and in other ways. If you ever want to chat in person do get in touch. But in the end, I have to let go of some personal responsibility to help everyone else figure out how to feel. I can only tell you, take it or leave it, that I am morally guilty of adultery and that is the actual factual reality that needs to be processed by me, my family, and those in the church who want to forgive. The legal charges have, frankly, been a distraction from this truth and a hindrance to healing. For that reason, I am happy to see them put behind us all.

There is still a publication ban on the identity of the complainant. I support this, yet I do wish our society also afforded the same publication ban on the identity of the accused, at least until evidence could lead to the conviction of him or her. Otherwise, innocent people’s lives can be ruined in the court of public opinion too easily. And let’s face it, public opinion is where we all have to live once we walk out the door. But that’s another topic.

In conclusion, I'm thinking about how Jesus sometimes told parables to reveal and simultaneously hide the truth. He used these symbolic stories as a kind of filter for people who were forming opinions about him. Those who wanted to know more would lean in, ask questions, and seek the truth behind the parable. While at the same time those who didn’t care to lean in and learn would end up never knowing. Jesus was secure in himself in a way that inspires me.

I will say how liberating it is to be freed from the need to convince anyone anymore about anything. Jesus knows. My family and friends know. Those who lean into my life, who take the time to ask the hard questions, confront me, rebuke me, challenge me, and encourage me too - I listen to them and they are the people I am accountable to, not those who judge from a distance. And so, I am ready to move forward in loving, accountable, and compassionate community.

My world is smaller now, and this suits me just fine.

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Charges Dropped

Another, and hopefully the last, legal update. The additional charges against me (two accounts told by one person) were dropped by the prosecution. My lawyers' statement above says it well so I won't add anything more to it.

I am grateful to Megan and Arash for showing me what it means to care for imperfect people in the middle of their worst time of life. These two criminal lawyers passionately believe in the value of restorative justice over punitive justice, and I say "amen" to that.

Hopefully future updates posted here can be about new and beautiful things. Bless you.

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Church for the Broken

I recently DJ'd a wedding that had such a lovely vibe. The bride and groom and extended family and friends all seemed to bring something extra gracious into their interactions. It was obviously a second marriage and I could tell the couple had been through some hard times before finding one another. But despite this, or maybe because of it, there was such a loving ethos to the evening - whether through official speeches or the countless smaller interactions I overheard, I felt like these people were living examples of the beautiful life. They seemed to be Christians, but there was something more.

At the end of the night, after guests had mostly left, the bride approached me and asked: "Are you Bruxy Cavey?" Ugh. I always hope that I am not a distraction to someone's event when I DJ as "Brother Boo", but no such luck this time. I answered: "Yes, unfortunately, I am."

Then she went on to tell me how God used me to help turn her life around years ago. She explained that it was my teaching that introduced her to the God who is Love rather than the punitive Judge she believed God to be, and that gave her the courage to join Alcoholics Anonymous, where she got sober and met her now husband. I asked her where she went to church and she said: "This is my church! Most of our guests are from AA. This is the community where I get to live out the unconditional love you talk about."

Then, in an upbeat tone, she asked: "So! How are things with your church these days?" ... She didn't know. I apologized that my answer to this question would end her special day on a down note, then told her that I had an affair and blew the whole thing up. I will never forget what happened next.

Without skipping a beat, she said, "Well, you're welcome here. We have all blown something up. And we all need mercy."

I have always found a resonance with the AA and NA (etc) community. It sometimes feels more Jesusy than the official Church does. And this is another example of that. You see, here's the thing about AA: you have to admit you're a failure just to join the club. That's step one. And you keep living with that admission, receiving and offering grace with every meeting, every conversation, every interaction. And, you know, there is such freedom in this, such joy.

This is how it is, or should be, with the Jesus Movement. When we pretend we are healthy, Jesus says I have nothing to offer you. But when we admit we are sick, when we admit we are failures, Jesus says, "Good! I have been looking for you. Now let's go change the world together."

It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

~ JESUS (Matthew 9:12-13)

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Arguing About Words

What should we call David's sexual sin? We all agree that he is guilty of the sin of "murder" where Uriah is concerned. But with Bathsheba, should we call David's sin "adultery" or "abuse" or "rape" or something else?

First of all, the Bible just calls it "sin" and that should be enough for us. But for many Christians today, it isn't enough, and the search for the correct word label continues.

For most of church history, theologians referred to David's sin as "adultery", but today most commentators see it as less of a coequal affair and more of an abuse of power, sometimes called a power rape. The Bible says David "sent messengers to take" Bathsheba to be his lover and eventually his wife. According to the text, he did not woo her or win her heart. He "took" her. And Nathan the prophet describes his sin as a powerful man taking something without permission, without cooperation, and without mercy (2 Samuel 11-12). There is no hint in the text that Bathsheba was coequal in her responsibility for this sin, and only David is confronted by the prophet Nathan. In today's world, David would be charged with "sexual assault" due to vitiation of consent (you can't say no to the King) and most likely found guilty.

I am grateful for modern scholarship that points out the abuse of power in David's case and helps sensitize us all to the many ways power can be abused in sexual and nonsexual ways. And yet, in the hands of less thoughtful people, sometimes this line of thinking tries to overreach, suggesting that every relationship with an imbalance of power must by necessity be abusive. This line of thinking misses a point: having power and abusing power are two different things. For instance, physically, most men are more powerful than most women, but that doesn't mean that all sex between powerful men and physically weaker women is abusive. Having power and abusing power are two different things.

Let's imagine a scenario where Bathsheba pursues David, initiating and persisting in sexual behaviours until David agrees to have sex with her. This fictitious scenario would not be a case of David abusing his power but of David being an idiot for giving in. Yes, David is still powerful in this scenario - he is still the king - but this is not about an abuse of that kingly power. In fact, in this scenario, maybe it is precisely David's power that Bathsheba is attracted to which is part of the reason she decides to pursue and persist. Add to this the fact that a confident, assertive personality is its own kind of power and the situation becomes more nuanced. Yes, power may play an important role in this made-up scenario, but it's not the role people assume.

The point of this illustration is to remind us that just because a power imbalance exists in any relationship does not mean we can assume the relationship is abusive. Once again, Having power and abusing power are two different things.

Now, in David's case, all the evidence points toward David actually abusing his power. Absolutely. So calling it sexual abuse or even power rape makes sense. But using David's case to call all power imbalance relationships "abusive" is what is dangerously disconnected from reality.

The apostle Paul warns a first-century pastor about the problem of arguing over word labels in the church. Wow, this is not a new problem. Word legalism is a form of religiosity that can destroy the bonds of Christian unity quite needlessly.

Keep reminding God’s people of these things. Warn them before God against quarreling about words; it is of no value, and only ruins those who listen.
~ The apostle Paul (2 Timothy 2:14; also 1 Timothy 6:4)

Apparently, there is actually a kind of destructive religious arguing that happens when we try to force other people to use the "correct" words rather than listen charitably to what they are meaning through the words they are using. Lord have mercy. Isn't this half of Christian twitter?